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Let’s begin by getting this week’s barrage of Fifty Shades links out of the way:

Journalist Lands Book Deal for Real-life Version of Fifty Shades of Grey… or at least that’s what they’re calling it.

In the wake of Fifty Shades of Grey, here is a memoir that offers the real story of what it means to be a submissive, following Sophie’s story as she progresses from her early erotic experiences through to experimenting with her newfound, awakened sexuality.

I think that says it all.

Meanwhile, Michael De Luca and Dana Brunetti of “The Social Network” are on board to work on the Fifty Shades film adaptation, which I’m going to go ahead and say is maybe being given a teensy bit too much credit:

“At its core, Fifty Shades of Grey is a complex love story, requiring a delicate and sophisticated hand to bring it to the big screen,” said Universal’s Donna Langley. “Mike and Dana’s credits more than exemplify what we need in creative partners, and we’re glad to have them as part of our team.”

If you want to prep for the movie without using your valuable reading time on the book itself, take a look at real, as-it-happened reactions, chapter-by-chapter. Also consider creating your own Fifty Shades atmosphere at home with the highlights and the sounds of the story. (No, not those sounds.)

If, however, you are already on the Fifty Shades bandwagon and are trying to recruit others, here is a state-by-state guide to marketing the books.

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In not unrelated news, Anne Rice is re-releasing the BDSM trilogy she first published 30 years ago. Which is most likely better than Fifty Shades, although…

According to readers, the Sleeping Beauty series is a bit more, uh, rapey and intense than 50 Shades, so it’ll be interesting to see how that goes over with today’s mommy porn connoisseurs.

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See the cover art for J.K. Rowling’s 512-page The Casual Vacancy here.

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When you see “The Dark Knight Rises” – and you know you will – prepare for A Tale of Two Cities.

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You’ll make it through the first seven or so of these alternate endings to The Great Gatsby before getting truly annoyed, but it’s worth being amused by the first seven. Or so.

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I haven’t read it yet, but since I’m a total sucker for fairy tales I’m saving Who Is Cinderella? to read soon.

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Russell Crowe will play the vampire in Eli Roth’s upcoming “Harker.”

According to Deadline Hollywood, Harker will spin Stoker’s 1897 novel into a blood-soaked horror-thriller about a Scotland Yard detective’s dogged pursuit of the vampire.

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Also in film adaptation news, Daniel Radcliffe will star in the adaptation of Joe Hill’s Horns, which I have yet to read but seriously want to.

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GP Taylor, author of the Vampyre Labyrinth series, believes children’s literature needs an age-certification system. (For the record, Jordan believes age-certification systems can go fuck themselves.)

In response,

[Patrick] Ness said it would be “irresponsible” for young adult novels to ignore the darker side of life. “It’s not as if books exist in a vacuum and that’s all the input teenagers are getting. Teenagers look at the internet, they look at the news, they look at pornography on the internet, they look at violent movies on the internet. So if children’s literature is not addressing that, if it’s addressing the world as it should be rather than as it is, then why would a teenager read you? I always think if you tell the truth about what’s difficult, that their lives can be dark and hard, then when you then tell the truth about what’s good, love and hope and friendship, then they listen to you and take it more seriously because you haven’t lied about what’s difficult.”

STANDING OVATION.

Amelia Hill provides more insight into the phenomenon of the horror of abandonment and other adult issues tackled by children in children’s literature.

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Sadly, it seems that dementia has ended Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s writing career.

Noted here are other authors whose careers ended too early.

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Comic-con comic books chosen for adaptation to TV or film… because the only thing more delicious than a good graphic novel is making fun of its sub-par adaptation.

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The staff of the A.V. Club talks about the books that first challenged their religious beliefs.

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10 Novels That Will Sharpen Your Mind

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And finally, the Stephen King debate rages on (no pun intended). At Salon, self-proclaimed snob Dwight Allen argues that King isn’t worth his weight in ink while Erik Nelson says he really likes Stephen King’s work and, basically, Dwight Allen sucks. I think Scott Beauchamp gets it right when he says,

King Defenders: don’t be so insecure. These arguments always seem to bring out the worst in people, because it really becomes a war about your identity as a reader. But who cares who considered which author to be what? Sit down and read and enjoy.